Same Goal, Different Language

This past week has been an interesting one. I’ve always known that my husband and I communicate differently. It’s something I genuinely appreciate, especially because our children are growing up learning that there isn’t just one “right” way to communicate. As a communication major, I’ve long been fascinated by how we communicate with each other and how communication shows up in society as a whole.

I tend to speak in feelings and stories. I’m long-winded and, admittedly, an over-sharer. My spouse communicates through logic, steps, and solutions. As you can imagine, over the past 19 years we’ve had to intentionally learn how to communicate in ways that help us both feel heard and valued. It hasn’t always been easy, and if nothing else, we can now look back on some of our early marital arguments with humor. Oh, the stories I could tell involving a loaf of bread, hot dogs, and the dreaded drought of “soft” butter.

What I’ve learned throughout my marriage is that listening isn’t just waiting for your turn to respond. Many times, I have to pause and ask myself whether we’re actually trying to solve the same problem, just approaching it from completely different angles. I’ve learned to slow my reactions when I can and make sure I’m not responding purely on impulse. There have definitely been moments when it felt like my husband and I were from entirely different planets, simply because we communicate so differently.

Learning to communicate in new ways is hard. Add in a sprinkle of neurodiversity and the reality that we’re all wired to communicate based on how we were raised, and it becomes even more layered. When you’ve learned one style of communication your whole life, and then find yourself in a relationship with someone you care deeply about, there comes a point where you choose to try to understand them through their style. I can’t always expect to have my way or assume my spouse should automatically understand me, and the same is true in reverse.

So here are a few things I’ve learned over the past 19 years. It’s important for me to be clear and to keep my emotions in check when communicating with my spouse. It helps when I can name the frustration or clearly identify the goal I believe we’re both working toward. Being specific rather than overly broad lowers the chances of misunderstanding. There have been many times when my husband and I wanted to address a situation with our children but envisioned very different approaches. Neither way was wrong. Often, it was simply a matter of choosing a direction together and then fully supporting each other, all while reminding myself that we’re ultimately striving for the same goal.

Learning to meet in the middle and compromise is essential. I tend to make decisions led by emotion rather than logic. It’s not that logic isn’t part of the process, but emotion is usually where I start. My husband, on the other hand, excels at looking at the facts and using them to predict the best path forward. Together, when we’re willing to listen and adjust, those differences can become a strength rather than a divide.

If communication feels hard with friends, spouses, or kids, pause and listen before responding. Ask questions. Resist the urge to assume. Listening takes practice, and no one gets it right every time, but with patience and a little trial and error, it’s a skill that helps us grow and connect more deeply.